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Welcome back to the Parenting Without Power Struggles Podcast. Today we’re going to talk about one of the big topics—one that interests me perhaps more than almost any other—and it may surprise you to hear that it’s really about working on ourselves.

I’m Susan Stiffelman, and I’m so glad you’re here. This is the Parenting Without Power Struggles podcast. If you’re not familiar with my work, please visit SusanStiffelman.com, where you’ll find more than 50 masterclasses with wonderful experts like Mona Delahooke, Dan Siegel, Tina Payne Bryson, Gabor Maté, Janet Lansbury, Byron Katie, Terry Real, and many others. We cover everything from raising sensitive children to getting homework done, and you can also sign up for my free newsletter filled with encouragement and inspiration.

Today, I want to begin with something Gabor Maté said at the end of a session we did last year. His words have stayed with me ever since:

“The most important thing that parents can do for their children is to work on themselves.”

That statement resonated so deeply with me. On the surface, it might sound counterintuitive—after all, our focus as parents is usually on our children: helping them succeed, supporting their emotional well-being, encouraging their passions, and guiding their behavior. But what Gabor was pointing to is something more subtle and profound: our children don’t just absorb what we say or do. They absorb who we are—our emotional state, our energy, our sense of calm or reactivity.

Our emotional landscape is shaped by our own history—our childhoods, our relationships, our past and present struggles. And whether we realize it or not, we transmit that inner world to our kids. When we’re grounded and at ease, our children feel safe. When we’re anxious, shut down, or reactive, they feel that too.

So, when I talk about “working on ourselves,” I don’t mean attending endless retreats or spending hours in therapy—though those can be wonderful. I mean cultivating small, meaningful shifts in awareness that help us respond rather than react. Our kids are like emotional tuning forks. They sense, often instantly, when we’re centered or when we’re off balance.

The framework that has been especially powerful for me in understanding this is Internal Family Systems (IFS)—a model that aligns beautifully with what I’ve taught for years about being the “Captain of the Ship.” IFS teaches that we all have parts within us—an inner family made up of protectors, managers, and wounded younger parts. Some parts jump in to control or criticize to keep us safe; others carry pain, fear, or shame from earlier experiences.

And then there’s what I call the Captain—what IFS refers to as the “Self” with a capital S. This part of us is calm, compassionate, curious, and confident. It’s who we are when we’re not hijacked by fear or anger.

When our kids push our buttons—when they slam a door, refuse to cooperate, or talk back—different parts of us get triggered. A critical part might say, “You can’t let them talk to you like that.” A scared part might whisper, “You’re losing control.” A younger part might feel rejected or unseen. These parts always mean well, but when they take over, we lose touch with our calm, wise Captain—and our children feel the weight of our reactivity.

The good news is that we can shift this. When we notice what’s happening and name it—“A part of me feels angry right now” or “A part of me is scared”—we create just enough space to reconnect with our Self. That awareness calms our nervous system and allows us to respond with empathy rather than react from fear or frustration.

Another step is to bring compassion to ourselves. Instead of criticizing ourselves for losing patience or snapping, we can ask, “What does this part of me need right now?” Often, it just needs acknowledgment. When we treat ourselves with gentleness, it becomes easier to extend that same compassion to our children.

And when we do lose it—as all parents do—we can model repair. We might say, “A part of me took over this morning, and I wish I’d handled that differently. Can we have a do-over?” That kind of honesty teaches our children that mistakes are part of being human, and that healing and reconnection are always possible.

I recently attended the IFS Conference in Chicago and came away inspired by so many wise teachers, including Dr. Richard Schwartz, the founder of this model. I’ll be sharing more of what I learned in upcoming classes and conversations because I truly believe this approach offers such hope and clarity for parents.

Working on ourselves doesn’t mean striving for perfection. It means cultivating awareness, curiosity, and kindness toward the parts of us that struggle. It means showing our children, through our example, that growth and healing are lifelong processes.

When Gabor said that the most important thing we can do for our children is to work on ourselves, he wasn’t adding another task to our to-do list. He was pointing us toward a way of being—a compass that helps us nurture the qualities in ourselves that allow our children to feel safe, loved, and resilient.

You don’t have to heal everything before your child turns 18. You just have to keep showing up with a willingness to grow—to turn challenges into opportunities for awareness and connection. When your children see you doing that, they learn that real strength comes from self-understanding and love.

As always, if this episode resonated with you, I’d be so grateful if you’d leave a rating or review, or share it with a friend. You can explore my masterclasses, membership programs, and free resources at SusanStiffelman.com.

And before you move on to the next thing in your day, take a moment to reflect: What’s one thing you heard today that you might want to try or hold onto?

No matter how busy life gets, look for those small moments of sweetness and joy.