Welcome, welcome to the Parenting Without Power Struggles podcast. I'm your host, Susan Stiffelman, and I am so happy to be here with you today. In this episode, I'm going to share a clip with you from a class I did a few years ago with the wonderful Byron Katie, because we're about to do another one, another session.

And Katie's work has taken It's been, truly it's been life changing for me. I referred to it in my books. In fact, I think an example of her work shows up in the first chapter of my book, Parenting Without Power Struggles. And it's just made such a huge difference in the lives of millions of people around the world.

I'm thrilled to pieces that I get to share Katie with you again soon. Before we get started, please be sure to visit SusanStiffelman.com, where you're going to see a link to our upcoming class, the class with Katie, as well as a lot of other classes with wise and wonderful people, including Dan Siegel, Gabor Maté, Mona Delahooke, Janet Lansbury, Ned Hallowell, and many others.

You can also sign up for my free newsletter where I regularly share all kinds of practical advice to help you along your parenting journey. Let's get started. As I said, I'm going to share a clip from a session I did a few years ago with Byron Katie, but first let me just tell you a little bit about her.

Katie teaches a process of self inquiry that lets us question those stressful thoughts and beliefs that fuel much of our suffering. Her approach, which she calls simply The Work, helps people open their minds to life transforming insights by asking four simple questions and working with a turnaround that when you apply it to a specific issue, problem challenge lets you see that situation in an entirely different light.

As I said, I've used this approach for over 20 years. I found it to be one of the most powerful and reliable ways to get released from the grip of those upsetting, stressful thoughts and beliefs that not only caused me to suffer, but can easily harm relationships with those I love. So this clip comes from a session I did a few years ago.

Have a listen, and then I'm going to come back and say a little bit more about how it can help you in your day to day parenting life. My work is really built on, not on how can we convince our kids to do what we want? How can we get our kids to change so that we can be happy? It's built on this idea that if we tell a different story about what our child is doing and what it means when our child ignores us or doesn't do what we ask or is aggressive, we can come alongside them.

Yes. If we tell the story that they're making me mad, they're disrespecting me, they don't appreciate all I do for them, then we come at them. Yeah. What I'm hearing is, when I'm believing, my thoughts about my child. I approach my child as though that's my child. But that's not my child. That's what I'm thinking and believing my child to be.

So I'm approaching the wrong person. Now that is not responsible. When I'm responsible for what I'm thinking and believing, I'm free. I can hear my child. We can connect. We can hear. I can hear my child. My child doesn't have to hear me. But if I am talking to The real child, I'm saying child. This is for anyone.

But if I'm talking to my child with this mind that is left so open as a result, my child can hear me. I'm not coming in at the level of attack. I'm connected and it gives my child an opportunity to connect because they're being heard, honored, met. Oh, I love that so much. It's so powerful, so simple, but so powerful.

I hope you enjoyed the clip. I've done at least six or seven sessions with Katie over the years and I, honestly, I learn something new every time. And of course there's a process, which you didn't hear in this clip, but which Katie will be doing with parents in our upcoming class together. And that process allows us to first identify a thought or a belief that's causing us to come at our kids with frustration or fear or anger.

And then to free ourselves, release ourselves from the painful grip of that thought. In my work I talk a lot about the idea of not coming at our kids, coming alongside them. But what Katie is sharing in that little clip is why we first have to clear up or clean up the negative or, Often false stories that we're telling ourselves about our child that move us to be that lawyer I talk about in my work or the dictator that either tries to argue or explain or justify or negotiate or that, can overpower our child, try and control them.

So when we're that calm, present, loving captain of the ship I talk about, it's often helped along because we've done the work internally to come alongside our children. One of the ways I've talked about Katie's work, I think I described it this way in one of my books, is this. Imagine that you have a thought like this.

My son should not have meltdowns over homework. Okay, I'm sure lots of you have had thoughts like that. Now imagine that you've got in your head a team of tiny little lawyers. They live there. They have suits and briefcases. And they hear the thought, My son should or shouldn't And they instantly get to work building a case.

This is just how it works. My son shouldn't have meltdowns over homework, and the lawyers start looking for evidence and proof of why that is true. And it's not hard. They're going to find a lot of proof to support that belief. Of course he shouldn't meltdown over homework. He's smart, or he could just ask for help, or he could stay after school to get tutoring like I've suggested.

You're building the case, but you may notice that as your lawyers build that case, your blood pressure is rising, or you feel flooded by frustration, or worry, or anger. Maybe the thought, with all the other things I have to do, why do I have to deal with this drama every day? And of course, if that's what you're thinking and believing, Then the version of you that shows up for your son is not going to be that gentle, loving, supportive, calm captain of the ship.

You're likely to be impatient or give instructions that he's not open to hearing or make threats or maybe you're going to just sit and do most of his homework for him. Using Katie's approach, the four questions of inquiry, you would get to look at how that belief, my son should not have meltdowns over homework, might be untrue.

Using that lawyers in the head analogy I gave you a minute ago, you would invite your little lawyers to build a case for the opposite story. My son should have meltdowns over homework. Now, of course, we don't want your son to have meltdowns over homework, but this is how we get to a place of much cleaner, more supportive interactions with our kids that can Move us out of the stormy seas and these rough waters of power struggles and drama and dysregulation.

So if we're arguing for the other point of view, the opposite, one reason might be that it is the quickest, most reliable way for your son to get your undivided attention. Or, it could be that his meltdowns are a signal that his nervous system is really pretty dysregulated, which makes the smallest frustration flood him and move him toward aggression and anger and tantrums or shutdowns.

This approach of inquiry, these four questions, Katie's work is so powerful. It's really best experienced, of course, which Katie will be doing in our upcoming class together. But hopefully this idea that we don't have to operate at the mercy of our negative and painful beliefs is going to encourage you to look at what you're thinking and you're believing in the coming weeks and to consider that your version of the story The meaning that you're making of your child's challenging behavior or the interpretation that you're applying might not be the truth.

Now, this is not restricted to you as a parent and your children. I use this approach across every relationship in my life. Lots to think about. I hope this is, maybe giving you some possibilities for, honestly, it's liberation from those oppressive, stressful, painful beliefs and thoughts that keep us up at night.

They infuse our nervous system with tension and stress and of course influence the version of us that shows up with the people that we love including our kids. And let me just add before we wrap up when I was first introduced to Katie's work I didn't understand it. In fact, I was brought to the front of the room to do the work with her personally on my very first encounter with her and was completely confused until by the end of this process I had this amazing huge life changing aha around a difficult relationship.

So I was sold. It took me a little while to get there. I encourage you to check it out and of course to join us on the class if you're interested. And if you'd like more parenting inspiration, support, sign up for my newsletter at SusanStiffelman.com. And while you're there, have a look around. We've got lots of other classes on everything from chores and homework to raising sensitive and anxious children.

Every, every topic under the sun. Before we close, let's just take a moment, acknowledge yourself for showing up, for listening, for taking in new ideas, for being open minded and open hearted. I appreciate you being here. I appreciate the work that you're doing, the investment you're making into growing as a parent.

That is how our world will heal and change. It's such important work. So that's it for today. Remember, no matter how busy life gets, look for those moments. of sweetness and joy. Stay well, take care, and I'll see you next time.