Well, hi there and welcome to the Parenting Without Power Struggles podcast. If you want to have more fun and fewer power struggles with your kids, you are in the right place. We talk about everything under the sun here from raising highly sensitive kids to steering clear of arguments over screen time. I'm your host, Susan Stiffelman, author of Parenting Without Power Struggles and Parenting with Presence. And I'm also a licensed marriage, family and child therapist, a teacher, a long time parent coach, and a mom. So I'm really glad that you're here. Before we get started. Please head over to Susanstiffelman.com. You can sign up for our free newsletter, lots of news and inspiration and updates. We've also got some awesome programs for parents, including the recent Reducing Behavioral Challenges with Tools From Neuroscience, a fantastic class with Dr. Mona Delahooke and Raising Money Smart Kids with Chelsea Brennan.

So check out Susanstiffelman.com. There's at least 30 masterclasses, really, really good stuff. Today. I want to talk about an article that I wrote after my most recent class with William Stixrud and Ned Johnson, the class was called, What Do You Say? Communication Tools for Raising Self-Driven Kids. And it was so, so good still on my website. And it, we did a deep dive into being the captain of the ship, or as they say, the coach or consultant for our kids, rather than the one deciding micromanaging steering, all the things that we tend to do and, and sometimes overdue with our children, which results in a lot of resistance and pushback, really good stuff, great class. So I wrote an article sort of based on some of the ideas that we were discussing then, and I featured it in my newsletter, which I hope you're getting.

And in that article, I was talking about a show that my husband and I've been watching called Victoria. We really liked the show. Not sure that you will, everyone's taste is different, but we've really been enjoying it. And the series opens with first episode where the, I guess, 18 year old, 17 or 18 year old teenage Victoria receives news that her uncle has died and she has become the queen. And we watch her from those very first moments owning this role that she has, of course, been preparing for most of her life. As various people volunteer themselves to be advisors. She kind of checks in with herself and trust herself and declined the offer of one or two, not so ethically solid people who clearly have their own agenda that they're hoping to further through her by means of her one person who offers himself as a support in those initial times is Lord Melbourne played by Rufus Sewell who does a really good job.

And Lord Melbourne is the prime minister at the time, but he volunteers himself to Victoria, if she should need help just with the very basic rituals and practices and processes that are part and parcel of her new role as the queen of England. Initially, she says, no, I'm fine. Thank you. But he stays in the background and makes himself available very quietly. Doesn't force his opinions on her, but occasionally and very tentatively she'll turn to him and say, well, what do you think? And over time, because he doesn't impose himself on her because he doesn't challenge the decisions she's making, which so many think are, you know, a little bit off to the left or off center based on tradition and so forth. She begins to trust him and eventually trust him so much that she can hardly do without him. She really relies on him and to his credit, of course, this is a movie or a show.

If we don't know what happened in real life, but to his credit in the series again and again, while he offers his advice, when he's asked for it, he encourages her to ask herself to trust her own instincts. Even when others are looking askance at what she might believe is the right thing to do. So this series really dovetailed nicely with the class I did with William sticks hood and the Johnson who wrote the self-driven child, because it speaks to this really big issue that I think parents don't necessarily talk about enough, which plays right into this thing that I say again and again to my parent community, that we aren't just raising children, we're raising adults. And while conceptually, we, we know that we know and hope at least that our children will grow up into successful, confident, help, happy, well adjusted, grown up people who fully inhabit their adult life for most of us were involved in the day-to-day ness of parenting.

You know, getting homework, done, getting kids, teeth, brushed, showering, and bedtime and avoiding sibling problems. So we tend to operate from a view that is aiming really to just get us through the day in one piece. But the truth is we are raising human beings who will eventually be on their own, having to make their own decisions and guide their own lives as the captain of their own lives. And so I wanted to speak to this a little bit more in this episode, because it's not easy. It's not easy. Especially when we see our child toward a mistake. What we know from life experience is not going to turn out very well. We want to intervene. We want to step in. We want to offer advice that we have not been asked to deliver, and it's not easy to hold our tongue or to step back or to say to our child, what's your plan instead of here's what you should be doing.

This is particularly true. When we know that our youngster is struggling with something, if they're close to failing math, for instance, for sure, we want to jump in and say, listen, I'm going to get you a tutor and you need to go to the afterschool tutor. You need to talk to your teacher. You need to book some of his or her afterschool tutoring time. I'm going to sit down with you every evening. We're going to review this and that. And I'm not saying just to clarify that those are not good things, but when we overwhelm our kid with decisions that are really about their lives in a way that doesn't allow them first to say, yes, I would like your help, mom, or dad, or grandma or uncle. We deny them the chance to exercise a muscle that is vital to their success in grown-up life.

How do we learn to get up after we've made a mistake? We learn by getting up after we've made a mistake, we learned by recovering, we learn by feeling the heat of remorse or shame or anger or sadness when we've chosen door number one, and all signs were leading to choosing door number two instead, but we were just bullish about it and impulsive. This is how we learn. And it's these small micro choices that we make as children, ideally with the support of the parent, as coach consultant, as Lord Melbourne, standing off to the side, especially as our children get older, making ourselves available in a way that feels safe to our kids to come to us. If our kids do venture in our direction and say, what do you think I should do? And we pounce, or we flood them with advice. Gosh, I thought you'd never ask while you're doing it all wrong.

Let's start with that. Then of course, they're not going to want to keep turning our way when they're not sure about what step is the right one, but if we can be what Lisa Damour, I think is the one who wrote, especially with adolescents, that we'd become the potted plant, right? Or the wallpaper where we’re a presence for our kids, but we don't take it upon ourselves to run their lives. We recognize with respect that it is their journey and that we're there to offer that support. Now, of course, there are going to be times when our kids don't want our support, where we offer their advice and they ask for it and they still don't follow it. And maybe they make a mad crashing mistake and they feel terrible about it. This is also okay. It's how they develop the internal strength of character and resolve and determination and resilience to forgive themselves, to learn from what mistakes they might've made and to move on.

And our role then is not to say, I told you so, or if you would only listen to me, this wouldn't have happened as tempting as it might be our job. When a child has made a mistake and has been vulnerable with us and is showing their feelings and their remorse or their regret is to just be there as a loving, safe Harbor for them to heal, recover, express themselves openly. And honestly, without feeling they have to edit or justify. And one of the ways of course they learn to do this is that we make it safe to when they've made a mistake, we make it safe for them to own that mistake, to admit, to having made the mistake without blaming others or making excuses. So how do they learn to do that? How did our kids learn? Number one, that it's safe to turn to us when they've insisted on turning, right?
When it didn't turn out very well. And we were urging them to go left, how do we help them through that so that they aren't diminished, or they don't feel stupid, or they don't feel shame, or they don't feel they have to justify why they did something. Or as I said, blame others. We hold back on thinking that it would be helpful to tell them how much we knew and instead honor them for feeling what they're feeling and expressing it in and taking ownership of what happened. And then of course, we just listen to them. We see what they need. We let them guide us in how we respond, whether it's talking or just offering a shoulder rub or a cuddle. And this is not easy to do for sure. And especially for those of us who didn't grow up with parents who made it really safe for us to admit our mistakes.

Most of the parents that I know and work with would have said, well, if you'd only listen to me or I told you that would happen. And of course it's tempting to do that because first of all, we're flawed human beings and we're still imperfect even though we're parents and we're learning and growing, but also it may not be our lived experience. It might not be what we had happened when we confessed a mistake to our parents, we might've just gotten in trouble or scolded or shamed or humiliated or punished. So we have a chance. All of you listening to this, we have a chance to do things differently, to set a different direction so that when our own children grow up and become parents themselves, if that's the path they choose, they will instinctively know how to step out of the way with their kids, be there as a consultant or to offer support without desperately needing their child to choose door number one versus door number two, because they're pretty sure what something bad will happen.

If they do the ladder, the more we can model this for our kids. This is the other part of it. The more they can see us admitting to mistakes, taking ownership. When we have chosen something that hasn't turned out well without blaming other people, without making excuses, the more that we can stand fully in taking responsibility for what might've been a poor decision. In retrospect, the more our kids see that the more likely they'll be able to do that as well. So this is a tall order. It's not easy, but it's one of the most wonderful gifts we can give our kids the ability to not always know how things are going to turn out, to take risks and to know that we'll be there to help them have a soft landing as possible. If they do fall. One of the things we talked about a lot in our class, What Do You Say? Communication Tools for Raising Self-Driven Kids.

One of the things that we circled back to frequently was the idea that one of the things that gets in the way for parents, I mean, stepping back and giving our kids space to find their own way, especially as they get older is our own anxiety and Ned and bill have a beautiful term that they use in their books called the non-anxious presence when we are nervous or anxious or worried. And we convey that to our child. Oh honey. I'm just so afraid that if you don't finish that assignment tonight and you may not wake up in the morning and time to get it done. And then your whole grade might, you might drop a grade a whole grade on that essay because you won't have had enough time. And I'm just thinking of you, honey. And I just am afraid that you won't get it done in the morning, that anxiety that we convey to our child and sort of throw it in as part of our argument to compel them to, to do something that we think they should do.

And they would rather not do when it comes from anxiety, when our pushing or pulling is informed by our anxiety. What we're in effect doing is making our kids responsible for making us feel better by changing how they're behaving. And that is a very, very bad idea because as I've said, kids intuitively know it is not their job to take care of their parents. That is not the appropriate relationship that we want to have with them. We are the grownup in the room. We are the captain of the ship. We don't need them to do X, Y, or Z so that we can feel better or less worried. So we have our work to do. If you're finding it difficult to be that coach consultant for your child, stepping back, giving them more space to make mistakes, making it safe for them to turn to you when they aren't sure and not deciding for them, but rather saying, well, let's talk it through.

I'd be happy to bounce some ideas around with you. We, when we are anxious, it gets in the way of showing up for our kids that way. And that's what I wanted to convey in the article that I wrote in the newsletter and in today's episode. So in keeping with my effort to invite you to do one thing this week, based on the episode or the content that I've discussed in the podcast, how about this week, if you're finding it difficult to take a step back when your child is faced with a decision, or maybe they're headed toward what looks like a poor choice, see if you can first check in with yourself and see if your anxiety is getting in the way of you being an available, but not imposing sounding board. And if your anxiety is getting in the way of you being an available, but not imposing sounding board, then look at what you're thinking and believing.

And I've talked about that in other episodes. I talk about that in depth in my membership program, which you're welcome to check out on my website, but it is really, really important that as parents, we do our own work. So in the week ahead, notice if your anxiety is getting in the way of showing up for your kids and in a supportive capacity, in a consultant where you're able to say, honey, it looks like this is a tough decision. Would you like some input or would you like to use me as a sounding board? Or should we make a list of pros and cons? Do you want to hear my thoughts? These are respectful ways of inviting a child to turn to us without, as I said, imposing on them, all of our hard earned wisdom, and yes, we do. We have lived longer and we do know more than our kids in most areas, not all, but in most, just from having lived a longer life and gone through more.

But it's because we ourselves have stumbled and fallen and learned from those mistakes. So keep that in mind this week, giving your kids the trust and the confidence that they need to develop inside themselves. So that over time they check in with themselves, because remember, if your kids always looking to you and then eventually you're not there, whether it's their often their own adult life or college, or then they're going to just feel that they have to turn to their peers or their online friends or some other external source. We want our kids to become self-reliant and self-referential, and this is how we get there. So that's it. That's what I wanted to say about all that today. I always love your comments. And of course, if you're enjoying the series, this podcast series, please leave a rating or review. It just takes a minute.

And you can tell a friend or two that all helps. We've reached lots of, lots of parents around the world with this podcast, largely because so many of you are sharing it to thank you. Thank you. Thank you. You can also hit the subscribe button and that way you'll get notified. Just as soon as I release a new episode, remember to stay in touch and get your regular doses of parenting inspiration. You can do susanstiffelman.com. There's a free newsletter and lots of good stuff, ready to come your way. And you'll also get notifications about upcoming classes and programs. My next class is with one of my favorite favorite people, Maggie Dent from Australia. I hope you know about her work. And if you don't, I know you're going to love it. We're going to do a class on play. So stay tuned for that.

All right, then that's it for today. Remember, no matter how busy life gets, look for those moments of sweetness and joy. stay safe, stay well. And I will see you next time.